Jim Harbaugh going to Michigan for $35 million means he has a lot of cash to splash on drinks around town. Here’s what all that money could buy at Ann Arbor’s favorite bars. Of course we know the khaki-clad man will never pay for a drink in Ann Arbor the rest of his life, but he’d still be able to get moderately unsober if he was.
72 beers on Tap at Ashleys… 81,000 Times
Jim Harbaugh has lived in California for the last 12 years, so it’s safe to say he knows his way around outstanding craft beer. Lucky for him, Ashley’s is one of the top beer bars in the Milky Way Galaxy. With his Happy Gilmoresque check he could run the rail everyday for more than 300 years. Their Beer Tour is going to need a tier much higher than “Beer Hunter” to honor him.
318,000 Kegs of Wolverine Premium Lager
Get ready for the ultimate rager in the parking lot behind 1008 Oakland because Harbaugh is buying the beer. He’s not buying whatever garbage Rob and Rob have at Champions this weekend either. He’s getting classy with kegs from Wolverine State Brewing. It’s just up Stadium from the Big House, so you can bet your ass there’s going to be a kegerator installed at the 50-yard line too.
1,300,000 Half-Gallons of Sangria at Dominick’s
Dominick’s is a rare treat for broke college kids. Their sangria is delicious, but $26.85 for 64 ounces is nearly unjustifiable… unless of course you’re swiping daddy’s credit card. Definitely get on Harbaugh’s good side because he can afford to make it rain Mad Dog 20/20 filled sangria without a second thought. Plus, can you imagine he reaction when they try to close at 10pm?
3,000,000 Shark Bowls at Rick’s
Jim Harbaugh’s intensity is well known, so it would come as no surprise to see him wandering around the sticky floors of Rick’s American Cafe challenging people to shark bowl races. While you and your friends pitch in to buy one and try to cram 12 heads around those tiny straws, Harbaugh is buying 4 million shark bowls and drinking them all himself from a giant big blue swizzle straw, and bouncing before the first bar of “The Gambler.”
3,200,000 Purple Rain Mason Jars at Charley’s
It’s a well known fact that Prince’s favorite bar in Ann Arbor is Charley’s. Why? The Purple Rain Long Island, obviously. And while the miniature pancake-lover delicately sips his reasonably sized cocktail with a pinky up, Harbaugh double-fists mason jars (fishbowls) and chugs them faster and more accurately than Madison Bumgarner did Budweisers.
5,800,000 Bombs at the Brown Jug
The only way to survive your 37th night of your continuous Har-bender is by taking bombs repeatedly and without question. Thankfully the Brown Jug has a full array on the menu, and Jim can afford to buy all of them more than 300,000 times. Just be careful with that Flaming Dr. Pepper after a long night of bombing because you might set your face on fire like the football players did their house a few years back.
35,000,000 Long Islands at Scorekeepers
Harbaugh knows that he needs to put an amazing team on the field or risk being another victim in the newfound coaching carousel. Luckily you don’t become the greatest coach in the history of organized athletic activity by being an idiot. In the event that he doesn’t live up to modest title I just assigned him, he can save plenty of money by drinking at Scorekeepers. Or, you know, he could trust himself and blow it on 35 million Long Islands this Thursday.
∞ Beast Lights at ΘΧ Intergalactic Men’s Fraternity
The beauty of Michigan is that parties are plentiful and cups are free. My sources tell me that Jim Harbaugh is joining Theta Chi as the new house dad and cook in exchange for all-you-can-drink 30-packs. No word yet on whether he will wake up the pre-game partner sorority on game day before heading down to the Big House.