Father of the Year Names Son ‘Jim Beam’

jim beam

Lots of parents give their kids dumb names nowadays, but one father reversed the trend by giving his son the 2nd best name ever – Jim Beam. The obvious end game here is that the two star in a father/son tandem porn in which the women have to do a “taste test” to decide one and for all which is better, Jack Daniels or Jim Beam.

How Jim Beam was born:

Spite is my favorite motivator. I’ve done no fewer than 452 very dumb things purely out of spite. It doesn’t only lead to bad ideas though. Just look at this guy named Jack Daniels down in Louisiana. His parents named him after Old No. 7 just to piss off their parents.

“My parents decided they wanted to name their son something to make their parents mad,” Jack said. “And, at the time, my dad was drinking Jack, which he enjoyed. My mom said, ‘Why not?’”

Rather than be a little bitch about having an awesome name, Jack Daniels decided that he was going to roll with it. He didn’t develop severe daddy issues. He didn’t go by John, probably because that’s still what Lt. Col. Frank Slade aka Al Pacino called Jack Daniels in Scent of a Woman. And he didn’t swear off whiskey for white wine spritzers. No, he embraced the name so much that he told a women on the first date that someday he too was going to name his after a booze brand.

Fast forward to this year, good old Jack Daniels begat a son (the image above is a dramatic interpretation of the birth), and that son’s name was Jim Beam. I don’t know what’s more surprising – the fact that he managed to marry someone with whom he discussed baby names on the first date or that he met someone willing to go along with his bloodline shenanigans.

My only complaint is that he didn’t stay in the Brown-Forman family. What, are he and his son going to be rivals for the rest of their lives? Is this an Oedipus T-Rex situation? The hell was he thinking? What’s wrong with naming your kid Woodford Reserve or Old Forester? Even if he wanted to venture away from whiskey he could use Maximus (vodka) or Pepe Lopez (tequila). Come on man, where’s your family loyalty? Respect yourself.

Side note: The judge that married Jack Daniels to his wife happened to be named Johnny Walker. If only the judge’s parents spelled like assholes the story would have been even better.

A Boy Named Jim Beam via Brandon at BroBible

Colin Joliat
About Colin Joliat 293 Articles
Colin Joliat is the brains behind this rinky-dink operation. He covers the alcohol industry with two parts information, one part comedy, and one part WTF is wrong with this guy. He's written for Brobible, Guyism, Thrillist, CoolMaterial, Craft, and more.