Aardvark Straws officially the best cocktail straw ever

aardvark straws

Aardvark Straws secure patent for bendy paper straw

You’ve undoubtedly seen a million products that say “patent pending,” but Aardvark Straws is one of the few who can replace that line in their ad with “patent approved.”

Specifically they received the patent for the bendable paper straw. Yes, the very same technology you’ve been sucking soda with for years, but they’re the first to actually make it work with a paper straw.

You might be thinking, “Who cares? It’s just a straw.” You, sir or madam, are an idiot. Aardvark Straws are the greatest pieces of paper on the planet. Not only do they help transport a cocktail from your glass to your mouth, they also refuse to dissolve like regular paper straws. I don’t know science, but I know anecdotes trump fact.

A year ago I bought a soap dispenser at Target for my kitchen sink. It turns out that some jackwagon at the pump factory cut the tube too short, so it ends about inches above of the bottom of the reservoir. So what did I do? Take it back to Target, which is a mere 3 blocks from my apartment? Nope.

I cut down an star-spangled Aardvark Straw and attached it to the bottom of the tube. It’s been pumping out dish soap to wash my beer and whiskey glasses ever since. That measly little paper straw has held up immersed in dish soap for over a year.

While functioning dish soap is great and all, they’re definitely meant for cocktails. You can find them on Amazon, at Party City and other specialty stores, and obviously from Aardvark themselves.

For some clever tips on how to use them, check out these shameless Boozist plugs: Zephyr, Sazerac, Cachaca, muddless mohito. I’ve seen them sold all over there place now,

Belvedere Zephyr Cocktail Boozist
Belvedere Zephyr Cocktail – Colin Joliat

Colin Joliat
About Colin Joliat 347 Articles
Colin Joliat is the brains behind this rinky-dink operation. He covers the alcohol industry with two parts information, one part comedy, and one part WTF is wrong with this guy. He's written for Brobible, Guyism, Thrillist, CoolMaterial, Craft, and more.